Truly sleeping with the enemy

an excerpt ..

That stupid alarm I set last night starts slicing through the silence of my quiet slumber. I’d set it with the notion that tomorrow im going to do this thing. This thing called life, and I'm going to kick its ass. I have got big plans tomorrow, eating right, going to the gym to finally reading some of the new book I was gifted. Its about becoming a better you ( yeah I know- ironic) Only now, between each ear stabbing BEEP, the grogginess, the darkness and the warm comfort of his blankets a sarcastic voice whispers in your ear, “lets not”. Suddenly there she is …..anxiety, that fucking bitch. Just when you think you've begun to conquer her, silence her. she starts quietly whispering in your ear. “Just dont, its not going to work. In fact remember that thing that pissed you off the other day? Yeeaaaaah, that. Let's sit and think about THAT more.”

This morning. She wins. I fumble angrily around for my phone to stop the Godforsaken calm nature alarm I picked out. Instead of snooze I turn the whole phone off and stare into the darkness with eyes wide open.

Are we really doing this today? I really wanted to be happy today and motivated.

I can feel the tears well in my eyes. Why the hell am I sad? I close them. Thats better. Maybe just lay here for a while longer. I drift back to sleep hoping I can think of positive things. Maybe we can try again tomorrow.