Your medical abortion. It didn’t work
You are due in about a month.
After a heartbreaking end to a relationship with a man who had his own set of problems that I had ignored and he had not even begun to work on. I had made the decision to end this pregnancy. I think.
It felt like I had to.
At that point in time, my baptized, Christian claiming self had made a decision.
I kept to myself quite a bit at this point in time. Depression began to seep into me, and I couldn’t find my focus. I wasn’t sleeping either, It became.. a lot of smiling and laughing and acting like my proverbial "dumpster” was NOT on fire everyday.
Who was this woman? Do I even know who I am!? Is this the end of my world? WHAT am I going to do? So, I am now different from my outgoing, positive self, sunny self. I must remind you. These things did not just happen to me. I very much feel that I had a huge part in letting all these things happen, even sometimes choosing for them to happen.
My every morning habit of coffee, cigarettes and news…because well there are a lot of — habits, listening to NPR every morning also made sure to remind me hourly, of the monumental abortion case, Roe v. Wade. A Woman’s right to choose….. time frames and things like that, had the very real and evident, possibility of being overturned.
The conversation is happening in my brain…I may not even have a choice if I don’t take care of this in some way. Very, very soon.
And also in the very back of my brain. There is a little voice that always whispered into my ear. You know you don’t really want to do that. Do you?
You love being a mom. It feels like the reason that you are on earth is to be a mom. It was at that moment The recent memory flashes in your brain of you teaching your kids' school at home throughout the pandemic, which understandably didn’t go well for many, many people.
Right, then I really didn’t know that there could be a greater joy than teaching my youngest child first grade. Assisting the other child also through that year in high school.
Now, what have I done. I couldn’t even take care of myself.
As forty one year old woman, it seemed the very real consequences of my choices had begun to unfold. I truly, deeply, loved being the mother to the two children that I had been able to share with my ex husband.
And it all began to happen..
The most painful and the most beautiful, life-changing.
I am currently preparing my manuscript and seeking out publishers and/or agents.
I would love and welcome any advice, criticism, and tips on how to publish. Sharing my story has been very scary for so many reasons, however. I feel it can and will help change, maybe save.
